Decisions

I am a pretty even keeled person.  I don’t stress over situations in the same way most people do.  I don’t express dramatic levels of grief or happiness.  What you see is what you get, day in and day out… usually.

But lately – I find myself in the throes of excessive emotion.  Something once so trivial and likely to go unnoticed is now generating intensity inside me.  And much to my distaste, the newly popular, mawkish emotion, seems to choose the form of tears.

Ugh.  With a side of ugh.

I do not cry.  Especially in public situations (and by public – I mean a live being within a mile).  It’s not that I consider tears a weakness… it’s just not me.  Again, that whole “doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve” thing.

But what am I supposed to do with this incipient change to my coping mechanisms?  Obviously, I cannot succumb to weeping whenever the mood strikes.  Music seems to help.  I drown out the feeling with sound-reducing headphones, at full volume.  Fortunately, I have this remedy in my back pocket every minute of the day.  Well, minus the headphones.

Alright – so obviously I experience stress.  This is it.  Something in my life is so intense that for the first time in memorable history, my body does not know how to cope.  Fucking a. 

The really irritating thing about it is… I know exactly why it’s happening.  I could pinpoint for you the minutia that is wreaking havoc on my psyche.  And the bitch of it is, I could absolutely stop the madness… but I don’t want to.  Maybe I’m masochist…  Maybe I suffer from extreme self-deprecation… Maybe my neurosis is so intense that I don’t even recognize what a bad idea this is...

Therein lays the problem.  I don’t see a problem.  The grand scheme of my decision is thoroughly mapped out in my head; so intricately that any possible unforeseen change of events instantly generates its own outcome – so that even without knowing what path my little experiment will take, I know how each path will end.

This is the level of my fuckedupness.  This is how exorbitant my ability to compartmentalize.  But no amount of cajoling… no amount of external rationalization… no amount of self-realization is going to knock me off course…  because I made my decision – and that means I made the right decision…  Because I weighed the pros and cons…  I don’t believe in regret…  and I’m fucking always right.

Goodbye

We've been through it all
Been through big and small
But it's just never enough
We've changed who we are
To cover the scars
But the scabs left behind are rough
I'm tired of faking my love
For someone who doesn't want it
Pretending for years
And we're both so despondent
We no longer laugh
We only seem to cry
It's time to say goodbye

We tried to work it through
You told me to trust in you
That beneath it all we were still in love
But I can't keep clinging to
A feeling that's no longer true
I'm tired and I've just had enough
Enough of the act that hides
Our exhausting situation
I'm tired of the jealousy
And the empty allegations
We no longer laugh
We only seem to cry
It's time to say goodbye

Time to say goodbye
We need to set ourselves free
Time to say goodbye
We just aren't meant to be
Even if you think we should give it one more try
We know it's time to say goodbye

Soul Mates

Tim-ing (n)
1.  The choice, judgment, or control of when something should be done.
2.  A particular point or period of time when something happens.

Timing controls our situational decisions.  What we do.  When we do it.  How we do it.  During the course of day-to-day life, our decisions are so immediate that we do not realize how much timing plays into its selection.  But what about relationships?

Does timing truly play a roll in the success or failure of a relationship?

When a relationship ends in a less than desirable manner for one or both parties, it is easy to say 'the timing was off' and lament that perhaps things will work out differently in the future.

Women tend to hold on to this belief.  We don't want to accept the fact that perhaps we gravitated toward another unavailable man or another mis-matched personality.  We don't want to take ownership of the fact that we [probably] allowed ourself to be manipulated again or that we ignored the warning signs.  It is definitely easier to just say "the timing was off."

Sometimes, though, the timing really is off.

Let's take a minute to think about the concept of a soul mate.

Soul Mate (n)
A person ideally suited to another person... or romantic partner.

From birth, we are engrained to believe that our 'soul mate' is the person we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with - the person we are supposed to dedicate our love, compassion, understanding, patience, guidance, and support.  In short - the person we are supposed to marry.

When is society going to accept that this definition is just not true?  When is society going to look for the part of the definition dropped off by the ellipses?  ...as a close friend

A soul mate is SOMEONE you are ideally suited to go through life with.  This can absolutely be a friend.  Often, it is... but we don't see that.

So take stock of the relationships you currently hold.  Think about the people you confide in.  Those you laugh with, cry with, and support whole-heartedly.  Now think about your significant other.  Is this person one and the same?

I expect you will find it difficult to acknowledge that it is not.  But I am here to tell you that is okay.  It is perfectly acceptable to find the level of trust and innocence accepted by a 'soul mate' with a close friend.  Who knows?  Maybe that vulnerability will keep the spark alive in your romantic relationships.  Maybe...

Chameleon

Green
Is not a good color on me
When I feel envy or flat out jealousy
I need to mask the fire inside
And keep the happy girl alive
I hide the green in my heart
That's when the color changing starts

I'm a chameleon
You'll never know what I'm hiding inside
Because these feelings
I keep buried up real tight
I know how to laugh when I just want to cry
I know how to smile when I'm dying inside
I'm a chameleon
And these colors, they're all mine

Blue
Is not a color I like to wear
When I feel lost because you don't even know I'm here
I need to keep the rain clouds at bay
And wipe the tears away
I lock the blue deep within
And my color changes again

I'm a chameleon
You'll never know what I'm hiding inside
Because these feelings
I keep buried up real tight
I know how to laugh when I just want to cry
I know how to smile when I'm dying inside
I'm a chameleon
And these colors, they're all mine

I'm a rainbow of emotion
A turbulent ocean
But you'll never know
I never let my colors show

I'm a chameleon
You'll never know what I'm hiding inside
Because these feelings
I keep buried up real tight
I don't want to laugh, I just want to cry
I want you to know that I'm dying inside
I don't want to be a chameleon
But still these colors, they're all mine

Indifference

He's really busy at work.  He has a lot of personal things going on right now.  He just got out of a relationship and he wants to take things slow.  He has been burned over and over, so he is afraid to commit.

This is what I hear day in and day out from my single friends.  And also - what I have come to say, myself.

BLAH!

I'm not an idiot.  I know better.  But I get sucked in.  Why?  Because I am a sucker for romance... I am an eternal optimist... and I have faith in the human species.

Sadly, these romantic ideals, happy-go-lucky thoughts, and blind faith do nothing for me when it comes to true compatibility.

In the past year, I have been lied to, cheated on, beaten, and divorced.  I have moved on and dated some of the nicest men on the planet.  But the compatibility wasn't there. Whether that be due to trust issues, attraction issues, or sexual issues - it just wasn't there.

After tonight's debate - I found myself in the web of a common problem.  One that most  women ignore completely.  Indifference.

I am not indifferent to human beings.  But rather, I am a very passionate person.  Like it or not, I will grab hold of something I believe in and run with it.  In most cases, I have facts to back my position - and can wage a strong argument for or against something.  But what about matters of the heart?

You guessed it.  I am the type of person that will grab hold of a person, run, and hope for the best.  Sadly, not all people are the same as I.

I am of a generation of wanton indifference.  Too many people in my demographic have little to no regard to the opposite sex.  Too many are caught up in "generation I" and not concerned at all with the people they are sucking in.  Thankfully, I do not fall into this stereotype - but as a single woman in my 30s, I see it all to often.

Speaking from a woman's perspective:

What is it that allows men to think that women are a game?  What is it that promotes the male thought that one can solicit certain thoughts, ideas, actions, etc. and expect no emotional attachment at all?

Men - you are not complete idiots.  You know that, regardless of what women say, we are emotional beings.  We gravitate to attraction, kind words, friendly gestures, and the like.  I question, simply, how you can be so indifferent to these inherent characteristics and so frequently toy with our emotions?

I think I speak for all women when I say - we do not want to feel as attached as we so often do.  We would love to embody the same aloof feelings that you do.  Unfortunately, we don't.

So we (I) are left in a place of wonder... Does he expect me to be a certain way?  Does he want more?  Am I kidding myself?

The movie He's Just Not That Into You  is truthfully a bible to women like me.  There are certain things that womwn in my position really need to pay attention to:

1. Number 1 (I cannot bullet point this enough) - if he wants to see you or talk to you... HE WILL!!  Ladies - any man that wants you to be part of his life (even if he doesn't know how serious a part you will be) will make the effort.  If he isn't calling/texting - it's not about companionship.  You'll hear from him only when his penis instructs.  Mark my words.
2. Number 2 - he tells you that he isn't ready for a relationship.  HELLO!  This is a scapegoat.  You, my dear, are a booty call.  Move along......
3. Number 3 - he still hasn't asked you out.  I pose this question:  How long have you been flirting back and forth?  If he is interested, he will make a move - in real life.  Flirting back and forth for a while is fine - but you know when the point comes where a date should be discussed.... and decided.  It hasn't happened?  Move along!

Many books, movies, therapists, etc. will try to give you a million other reasons as to why someone isn't right for you.  But realistically - these are the three things you should be looking for....

I find myself faced with this issue right now.  I am attracted to a man...  He is handsome.  He is funny.  He is driven.  Did I mention he was attractive?

But I ask myself these same three questions - and here are the answers I have come to:

1. Sometimes.  So what is an acceptable amount of "pre-communication"?  I think he makes enough attempt to talk to me.  Is that enough?  Is his lack of "adequate" communication indicative of his intentions?  Hmmm.... gray area....
2. Ok.  So he hasn't said he isn't ready for a relationship, per se...  But he has said that he "hasn't found the right person."  How do we read this?  Is this code for questionable intentions?  Is this honest foresight into his past?  Gray area....
3. A date?  Yep.  The idea of such has been floated past - but nothing has been set in stone.  The promise of "as soon as..." is okay to get through a short period.  But once "as soon as...." has passed - wouldn't the interested man make plans?  Somewhat lighter gray area...

So - I am left in wonder.  But I - unlike most women - know my threshold of 'enough-is-enough.'  At some point, we have to know that our intentions and desires have been made perfectly clear and the ball is in his court.  As a species, women need to learn when to let go.

I did it in marriage.  While both easy and extraordinarily difficult, it was done.  It has to happen without the stronghold of commitment, as well.

Suffice it to say it is easier to let go of what we 'had' that what we 'want'................

Numb

Numb.  Deprived of feeling or responsiveness.  Having deficient psychological or physical sensation.

 Deficient psychological sensation....

At a very young age, I was taught that when something didn't go the way I had planned, I needed to learn from the experience and keep moving forward.  I have held true to this lesson my entire adult life.

Many people (my ex-husband, for one) would say that I am cold.  Incapable of emotion.  These people will tell you that I am a robot.  Moving through the motions of life without accepting the emotional impact certain events have on my life.

Not the case.  True, I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I often keep my feelings hidden behind a barrier.  Not because I do not want to let people in, but because I am realistic and logical.  I do not grieve as most.  In death... in loss... I do not cry for hours, days, weeks.  This is just not my genealogical design.  I often wonder if I have the emotional compass of a man...

Despite the beliefs of most, and despite my declaration of a lacking emotional display... I feel emotion.  Today, I realized that numb is not, as described, a deficiency in psychological sensation.  In fact, numbness is very much a psychological sensation.

I realized this when dealing with, yet another case of, disappointment.  I try to prevent disappointment by not setting my hopes and standards too high.  Sometimes, though, the feeling still hits.

The feeling hit today.  I realized that what I had desired was not what was reality.  The moment I realized that was what most would consider disappointment.  I, too, thought that.  But immediately, I shut down.  My brain overtook my emotions and I rationalized.

Rationalization of emotions is the equivalent of psychological numbness.

In most instances, logic is the best recourse - but when dealing with matters of the heart...  does that leave one incapable of an honest, intimate, loving experience?

When She Cries

Over the past week, a multitude of things have occurred that I want to and could write about.  But instead, tonight I decided to write a song.  I actually do this a lot - but I wanted to share this one.

I know many of you can relate.  I hope you enjoy.

Staring at a picture of a memory

It hurts her every day

But she just can’t put it away

Staring in the mirror she sees a girl

Who’s broken up inside

But the truth she has to hide

Every day she wakes up with a smile upon her face

But every night she lies in bed fighting demons she can’t erase

Sometimes she cries

When she don’t know what to say

Sometimes she cries

To wash the pain away

Don’t let her smile fool you

If you want to know what’s real

Just look into her blue eyes

When she cries

She makes it through the day

Putting one foot in front of the other

It’s the only way to keep up her cover

She falls asleep at night

With cheeks stained by tears

But the burning doesn’t take away her fears

Every day she wakes up saying ‘Today, I’m gonna let him go’

But every night she comes back to the only place her heart knows

Sometimes she cries

When she don’t know what to say

Sometimes she cries

To wash the pain away

Don’t let her smile fool you

If you want to know what’s real

Just look into her blue eyes

When she cries

She hides her secret world from everyone around

But if you look real hard you can hear her screams even if they don’t make a sound

They will never make a sound

Sometimes she cries

When she don’t know what to say

Sometimes she cries

To wash the pain away

Don’t let her smile fool you

If you want to know what’s real

Just look into her blue eyes

When she cries

Just look into her blue eyes… when she cries

© 2012 Valarie Loome.  All rights reserved.

Strength

Strength.


Quite the ambiguous word.


To be strong means different things to different people.  To some, strength is merely a physical quality - a simple ability to overpower an object.  To others, strength takes on a control aspect - the ability to overpower a person or situation.


For me, strength is psychological.  It is the ability to keep my head high through times of adversity.  Strength is the ability to power through and remember my true self while having criticism, insults, and negativity thrown in my direction.  Strength is never losing focus.... Never giving up.


There will come a time in everyone's life where he or she will encounter a situation that will beg the question Do I persevere or do I let misery win?


I have seen firsthand the effects of letting misery win.  The result is displaced anger.  Hateful, hurtful words.  Vengeful actions.  By succumbing to misery, a person tries to build him or herself back up by bringing others down.


Misery loves company.


I will not be that person.  I will not spew venom in an attempt to make myself feel better.  I will not throw daggers to wound my opponent's heart as equally as mine has been damaged.  I will not create a sense of woe in an attempt to suck others into my black hole.


True strength is the ability to smile when you want to cry, laugh to hide the pain, and go on... no matter what.  Because no matter how much I am hurting inside - I know that I have purpose.  That purpose lies in the smiles of my children, the advice my friends and family seek, and the beating of my heart.


So to those who want to inflict pain upon others to feel better, I remind you of an old children's adage:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me

Too often we forget this proverb and believe what others say about us.  But only we know our inner self.  Only we know our beliefs.  Only we know the true meaning behind our actions - or lack-thereof.


I am not without flaw.  I have made many decisions in my life that did not turn out the way I expected.  Some would call these mistakes.  I don't.  With each decision I make, I learn from each of the outcomes.  And with each life lesson, I gain the ability to navigate my future more effectively.


So go ahead...  Keep trying to build yourself up by knocking others (me) down.  True, I may stumble at your words - but I will never fall.  You will never get another one of my tears.


I'm too strong for that.

Threshold

What is the threshold of the heart?  What I mean is - how much of one emotion can the heart hold before the contents are too much to bear?


Often, we find ourselves overwhelmed with emotion.  That emotion might be positive - such as that found in the birth of a child, the beginning stages of love, or following some altruistic act.  Other times, that emotion will be negative - such as the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship.


Essentially, the two feelings that most often exude from our inner self is love or hurt.


Mother Theresa is credited with discovering the paradox - 

"If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."

I have  to question this very wise woman in this instance.  Mother Theresa is suggesting that hurt has its own threshold.  That the human body, psyche, being is only equipped to handle a certain amount of hurt before he or she can hurt no more.  She continues to suggest that at that point, the lid of hurt is closed, but the chamber for love can still be filled - never-ending.


What is so powerful about love that the heart can handle infinite amounts of this very powerful emotion, but not as much of it's counterpart?


To look at the paradox from the negative - when someone loves until it hurts, perhaps the ability to love begins to falter.  Perhaps at that point, the hurt becomes so overwhelming that it begins to eat away at the love we hold inside until we are all encompassed with hurt.


Isn't that the basic identifier of depression?  Don't we become so overwhelmed with hurt that it begins to translate into worthlessness, hopelessness, and despair?  Don't we feel at that point that we might never love or be happy again?


The decision is in the resolve of the person.  Like so many things, the threshold of the heart is open to interpretation.


I, for one, refuse to sit in a pool of negativity.  I refuse to believe that hurt will eat away at my happiness.  And by vocalizing that belief, I have empowered myself to move past the pain and strive toward a happy place - full of friendship, family, and love.


Our ability to navigate these troubled times lies in the support of said friends and family.  The smallest act of kindness will prove monumental in the mind of the hurt.  Never forget that each of us have once been in the grips of hurt.  Never forget how difficult it was to navigate away from.  Always remember to love unconditionally... and never judge.


I have deflated the chamber of hurt in my heart.  As the pain begins to drain away, I feel lighter.  I feel the chamber of love filling.  Maybe not with a romantic feeling, as was once there, but with a feeling of contentment.  Because above all, this period of my life has lead me back to the person I once was.  An optimistic, bubbly, out-going, happy person.


I'm glad to have her back.