Decisions

I am a pretty even keeled person.  I don’t stress over situations in the same way most people do.  I don’t express dramatic levels of grief or happiness.  What you see is what you get, day in and day out… usually.

But lately – I find myself in the throes of excessive emotion.  Something once so trivial and likely to go unnoticed is now generating intensity inside me.  And much to my distaste, the newly popular, mawkish emotion, seems to choose the form of tears.

Ugh.  With a side of ugh.

I do not cry.  Especially in public situations (and by public – I mean a live being within a mile).  It’s not that I consider tears a weakness… it’s just not me.  Again, that whole “doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve” thing.

But what am I supposed to do with this incipient change to my coping mechanisms?  Obviously, I cannot succumb to weeping whenever the mood strikes.  Music seems to help.  I drown out the feeling with sound-reducing headphones, at full volume.  Fortunately, I have this remedy in my back pocket every minute of the day.  Well, minus the headphones.

Alright – so obviously I experience stress.  This is it.  Something in my life is so intense that for the first time in memorable history, my body does not know how to cope.  Fucking a. 

The really irritating thing about it is… I know exactly why it’s happening.  I could pinpoint for you the minutia that is wreaking havoc on my psyche.  And the bitch of it is, I could absolutely stop the madness… but I don’t want to.  Maybe I’m masochist…  Maybe I suffer from extreme self-deprecation… Maybe my neurosis is so intense that I don’t even recognize what a bad idea this is...

Therein lays the problem.  I don’t see a problem.  The grand scheme of my decision is thoroughly mapped out in my head; so intricately that any possible unforeseen change of events instantly generates its own outcome – so that even without knowing what path my little experiment will take, I know how each path will end.

This is the level of my fuckedupness.  This is how exorbitant my ability to compartmentalize.  But no amount of cajoling… no amount of external rationalization… no amount of self-realization is going to knock me off course…  because I made my decision – and that means I made the right decision…  Because I weighed the pros and cons…  I don’t believe in regret…  and I’m fucking always right.