Decisions

I am a pretty even keeled person.  I don’t stress over situations in the same way most people do.  I don’t express dramatic levels of grief or happiness.  What you see is what you get, day in and day out… usually.

But lately – I find myself in the throes of excessive emotion.  Something once so trivial and likely to go unnoticed is now generating intensity inside me.  And much to my distaste, the newly popular, mawkish emotion, seems to choose the form of tears.

Ugh.  With a side of ugh.

I do not cry.  Especially in public situations (and by public – I mean a live being within a mile).  It’s not that I consider tears a weakness… it’s just not me.  Again, that whole “doesn’t wear her emotions on her sleeve” thing.

But what am I supposed to do with this incipient change to my coping mechanisms?  Obviously, I cannot succumb to weeping whenever the mood strikes.  Music seems to help.  I drown out the feeling with sound-reducing headphones, at full volume.  Fortunately, I have this remedy in my back pocket every minute of the day.  Well, minus the headphones.

Alright – so obviously I experience stress.  This is it.  Something in my life is so intense that for the first time in memorable history, my body does not know how to cope.  Fucking a. 

The really irritating thing about it is… I know exactly why it’s happening.  I could pinpoint for you the minutia that is wreaking havoc on my psyche.  And the bitch of it is, I could absolutely stop the madness… but I don’t want to.  Maybe I’m masochist…  Maybe I suffer from extreme self-deprecation… Maybe my neurosis is so intense that I don’t even recognize what a bad idea this is...

Therein lays the problem.  I don’t see a problem.  The grand scheme of my decision is thoroughly mapped out in my head; so intricately that any possible unforeseen change of events instantly generates its own outcome – so that even without knowing what path my little experiment will take, I know how each path will end.

This is the level of my fuckedupness.  This is how exorbitant my ability to compartmentalize.  But no amount of cajoling… no amount of external rationalization… no amount of self-realization is going to knock me off course…  because I made my decision – and that means I made the right decision…  Because I weighed the pros and cons…  I don’t believe in regret…  and I’m fucking always right.

Goodbye

We've been through it all
Been through big and small
But it's just never enough
We've changed who we are
To cover the scars
But the scabs left behind are rough
I'm tired of faking my love
For someone who doesn't want it
Pretending for years
And we're both so despondent
We no longer laugh
We only seem to cry
It's time to say goodbye

We tried to work it through
You told me to trust in you
That beneath it all we were still in love
But I can't keep clinging to
A feeling that's no longer true
I'm tired and I've just had enough
Enough of the act that hides
Our exhausting situation
I'm tired of the jealousy
And the empty allegations
We no longer laugh
We only seem to cry
It's time to say goodbye

Time to say goodbye
We need to set ourselves free
Time to say goodbye
We just aren't meant to be
Even if you think we should give it one more try
We know it's time to say goodbye

Soul Mates

Tim-ing (n)
1.  The choice, judgment, or control of when something should be done.
2.  A particular point or period of time when something happens.

Timing controls our situational decisions.  What we do.  When we do it.  How we do it.  During the course of day-to-day life, our decisions are so immediate that we do not realize how much timing plays into its selection.  But what about relationships?

Does timing truly play a roll in the success or failure of a relationship?

When a relationship ends in a less than desirable manner for one or both parties, it is easy to say 'the timing was off' and lament that perhaps things will work out differently in the future.

Women tend to hold on to this belief.  We don't want to accept the fact that perhaps we gravitated toward another unavailable man or another mis-matched personality.  We don't want to take ownership of the fact that we [probably] allowed ourself to be manipulated again or that we ignored the warning signs.  It is definitely easier to just say "the timing was off."

Sometimes, though, the timing really is off.

Let's take a minute to think about the concept of a soul mate.

Soul Mate (n)
A person ideally suited to another person... or romantic partner.

From birth, we are engrained to believe that our 'soul mate' is the person we are meant to spend the rest of our lives with - the person we are supposed to dedicate our love, compassion, understanding, patience, guidance, and support.  In short - the person we are supposed to marry.

When is society going to accept that this definition is just not true?  When is society going to look for the part of the definition dropped off by the ellipses?  ...as a close friend

A soul mate is SOMEONE you are ideally suited to go through life with.  This can absolutely be a friend.  Often, it is... but we don't see that.

So take stock of the relationships you currently hold.  Think about the people you confide in.  Those you laugh with, cry with, and support whole-heartedly.  Now think about your significant other.  Is this person one and the same?

I expect you will find it difficult to acknowledge that it is not.  But I am here to tell you that is okay.  It is perfectly acceptable to find the level of trust and innocence accepted by a 'soul mate' with a close friend.  Who knows?  Maybe that vulnerability will keep the spark alive in your romantic relationships.  Maybe...