Numb. Deprived of feeling or responsiveness. Having deficient psychological or physical sensation.
Deficient psychological sensation....
At a very young age, I was taught that when something didn't go the way I had planned, I needed to learn from the experience and keep moving forward. I have held true to this lesson my entire adult life.
Many people (my ex-husband, for one) would say that I am cold. Incapable of emotion. These people will tell you that I am a robot. Moving through the motions of life without accepting the emotional impact certain events have on my life.
Not the case. True, I do not wear my emotions on my sleeve. I often keep my feelings hidden behind a barrier. Not because I do not want to let people in, but because I am realistic and logical. I do not grieve as most. In death... in loss... I do not cry for hours, days, weeks. This is just not my genealogical design. I often wonder if I have the emotional compass of a man...
Despite the beliefs of most, and despite my declaration of a lacking emotional display... I feel emotion. Today, I realized that numb is not, as described, a deficiency in psychological sensation. In fact, numbness is very much a psychological sensation.
I realized this when dealing with, yet another case of, disappointment. I try to prevent disappointment by not setting my hopes and standards too high. Sometimes, though, the feeling still hits.
The feeling hit today. I realized that what I had desired was not what was reality. The moment I realized that was what most would consider disappointment. I, too, thought that. But immediately, I shut down. My brain overtook my emotions and I rationalized.
Rationalization of emotions is the equivalent of psychological numbness.
In most instances, logic is the best recourse - but when dealing with matters of the heart... does that leave one incapable of an honest, intimate, loving experience?
