This is what I hear day in and day out from my single friends. And also - what I have come to say, myself.
BLAH!
I'm not an idiot. I know better. But I get sucked in. Why? Because I am a sucker for romance... I am an eternal optimist... and I have faith in the human species.
Sadly, these romantic ideals, happy-go-lucky thoughts, and blind faith do nothing for me when it comes to true compatibility.
In the past year, I have been lied to, cheated on, beaten, and divorced. I have moved on and dated some of the nicest men on the planet. But the compatibility wasn't there. Whether that be due to trust issues, attraction issues, or sexual issues - it just wasn't there.
After tonight's debate - I found myself in the web of a common problem. One that most women ignore completely. Indifference.
I am not indifferent to human beings. But rather, I am a very passionate person. Like it or not, I will grab hold of something I believe in and run with it. In most cases, I have facts to back my position - and can wage a strong argument for or against something. But what about matters of the heart?
You guessed it. I am the type of person that will grab hold of a person, run, and hope for the best. Sadly, not all people are the same as I.
I am of a generation of wanton indifference. Too many people in my demographic have little to no regard to the opposite sex. Too many are caught up in "generation I" and not concerned at all with the people they are sucking in. Thankfully, I do not fall into this stereotype - but as a single woman in my 30s, I see it all to often.
Speaking from a woman's perspective:
What is it that allows men to think that women are a game? What is it that promotes the male thought that one can solicit certain thoughts, ideas, actions, etc. and expect no emotional attachment at all?
Men - you are not complete idiots. You know that, regardless of what women say, we are emotional beings. We gravitate to attraction, kind words, friendly gestures, and the like. I question, simply, how you can be so indifferent to these inherent characteristics and so frequently toy with our emotions?
I think I speak for all women when I say - we do not want to feel as attached as we so often do. We would love to embody the same aloof feelings that you do. Unfortunately, we don't.
So we (I) are left in a place of wonder... Does he expect me to be a certain way? Does he want more? Am I kidding myself?
The movie He's Just Not That Into You is truthfully a bible to women like me. There are certain things that womwn in my position really need to pay attention to:
- Number 1 (I cannot bullet point this enough) - if he wants to see you or talk to you... HE WILL!! Ladies - any man that wants you to be part of his life (even if he doesn't know how serious a part you will be) will make the effort. If he isn't calling/texting - it's not about companionship. You'll hear from him only when his penis instructs. Mark my words.
- Number 2 - he tells you that he isn't ready for a relationship. HELLO! This is a scapegoat. You, my dear, are a booty call. Move along......
- Number 3 - he still hasn't asked you out. I pose this question: How long have you been flirting back and forth? If he is interested, he will make a move - in real life. Flirting back and forth for a while is fine - but you know when the point comes where a date should be discussed.... and decided. It hasn't happened? Move along!
Many books, movies, therapists, etc. will try to give you a million other reasons as to why someone isn't right for you. But realistically - these are the three things you should be looking for....
I find myself faced with this issue right now. I am attracted to a man... He is handsome. He is funny. He is driven. Did I mention he was attractive?
But I ask myself these same three questions - and here are the answers I have come to:
- Sometimes. So what is an acceptable amount of "pre-communication"? I think he makes enough attempt to talk to me. Is that enough? Is his lack of "adequate" communication indicative of his intentions? Hmmm.... gray area....
- Ok. So he hasn't said he isn't ready for a relationship, per se... But he has said that he "hasn't found the right person." How do we read this? Is this code for questionable intentions? Is this honest foresight into his past? Gray area....
- A date? Yep. The idea of such has been floated past - but nothing has been set in stone. The promise of "as soon as..." is okay to get through a short period. But once "as soon as...." has passed - wouldn't the interested man make plans? Somewhat lighter gray area...
So - I am left in wonder. But I - unlike most women - know my threshold of 'enough-is-enough.' At some point, we have to know that our intentions and desires have been made perfectly clear and the ball is in his court. As a species, women need to learn when to let go.
I did it in marriage. While both easy and extraordinarily difficult, it was done. It has to happen without the stronghold of commitment, as well.
Suffice it to say it is easier to let go of what we 'had' that what we 'want'................
